The Beautiful Chaos of Adolescence
Estimated Read Time: 10–11 minutes - Take a breath. This one’s a deep exhale for parents in the thick of the teenage years.
I wrote my daughter a letter. I wanted it to be a letter of wisdom and guidance to pass onto her as we moved rapidly towards her 15th birthday, but it became more of a reflection and deep honouring of the year long sacrifices and challenges we’d been through in this darkest passage of adolescence. I started thinking about what I wanted to write on my early 5am walks, the air cool and salt-tinged, kookaburras, magpies and willy wagtails announcing the morning in layered chorus while distant waves rolled in at high tide, steady and sure. I wasn’t so steady and sure, It had been a tricky year with the sort of challenges hormones, high school and social media brings. I’d reflect and pray upon the previous days disasters and recount our conversations, those tiny moments in time that resembled the kind of serenity you might find on a lake at dusk or a rapid river hurtling towards a waterfall, the current so strong there’s no choice but to let go and let it take you. Of course I am not sharing the letter here, however, I’ve taken parts of it for reflection and expansion, in the hope that it brings you some insight, comfort and recognition. That in reading, here with me, you can find a way to see all that you do, all that you give and all that you’ve gained in parenting someone on and through the difficult and oftentimes dark and vast, threshold from childhood to adulthood.
I’d have flashes of scenes that made me shudder; my actions, my words or my complete belligerence in times of being triggered. Wincing, the echo of my raised voice a sting in my ears, the slammed cupboard door, the blank stare I gave her mid rush because I was already drowning in the days to do list. The moments where, triggered and tense, I was buried beneath the weight of must-do’s, have-to’s, and an ever-expanding tide of tasks that swallowed the softness in me.
I’d shed tears of joy as my body remembered the warmth of her hugs, the miniature moments of eyes connecting in the car where a lesson had dropped in and a knowing look between us let me know she got it loud and clear in her heart. I’d recall the laughter and heart connections, as fleeting as they were through this past season. I dug deep to see what lessons I had learned and what I was happy (and not so happy) to take ownership of. The sadness and shame, guilt and gratitude tumbling around in my head and heart as I walked out the previous days interactions, day after day. I’d wonder “what were the the opportunities for further teaching and guidance?” and what lessons and guidance should I seek?”, often humbling moments I may add.
I’d find myself on a bench, heart and head to the sky, tears pouring out as I searched, asking god, where and what did I need to let go of, accept? How do I forgive myself, my mother and my daughter? How far back do these patterns run?. I’d reflect on the mountains we’d climbed, together and alone, the chasms of utter emotional and physical withdrawal, the chaos, the high fives, the low-heavy days, tears, laughter, rejection, heartaches, heart openings, triumphs and tantrums. Oh my my, what a multitude of wonders we’d both buried and birthed throughout the previous year on our rights of passage. Mother and daughter growing together. Shedding together. Becoming a new identity within herself, together and yet apart.
We have traversed some really tricky terrain; hormones, menstruation & menopause, friendship challenges, heartbreaks, health. Challenges with schooling due to hidden learning difficulties, changes in communication as the boundless expansion of natural “play” from primary school comes to a halt and the requirement for order, academia and mental engagement become the daily order of high school. The expanded sources of influence available; snapchat, TikTok, instagram and a wider network of opinions, values, beliefs and must haves. I noticed her world and her relationship to the world changing incrementally and then suddenly overnight waking up to a different species; an attitude of detest towards me and all I had to offer.
There’s something profound that happens in adolescence, in the blink of an eye, the little one whose hand you once held crossing the street is now standing in front of you, almost the same height, looking a little like you, a little like their dad, and in my daughter's case, a LOT like a fierce goddess-in-training wrapped in a storm cloud of emotions. A wild spirit discovering her power. They emerge with a new found independence, standing firm in their ideas, voice, desires. With an indefinable stubbornness to be, do, and want their own things their own way. A sudden unwillingness to do what you desire, think, or suggest (for their own good of course) completely shatters and dismantles your entire system of, for want of a better word, control! Harmonious, blissful control.
Let’s use the word harmony here, if you had any harmony at all in your household; like mine, the threshold of teen to young adult, is about to challenge every little sweet rhythm of coexistence you so naively thought was your sanctuary. No, my friend, one day you will open her bedroom door to say good morning to your sweet darling daughter and be met with a raging ego, make up, dramatic, physical, mental and emotional changes and a quick slam in the face of “GET OUT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM!?” and if you felt the pressure and could no longer hang off getting them a phone… need I say more!?!
I confess I thought I'd breeze through the teen years. After all, my daughter had always been a boundary pusher, a construct dismantler, and oppositional to almost anything I set my mind to. I'd been training for this olympic event since toddlerhood! When my daughter was around 10 someone said to me “wait till she’s a teen” and I rather smugly said “Oh I’ve got this, we’ve done the training” Ha! Surely I had developed the parental equivalent of emotional Cross-Fit by now.!? How naive I was. Turns out those earlier years were just the qualifying rounds.
The truth is, these changes don't magically appear at 15. They start creeping in as early as 10 or 12, the brain rewiring, the body transforming, the attitudes shifting, like tectonic plates beneath what was once stable ground. One day you're cutting their sandwiches into love heart shapes (yes I did this - and once I cut out a horse merry-go-round in a watermelon for a “Food as art” display at school). I know I know, I was up until midnight, a real winner with my daughter and I was secretly very chuffed with myself! The next minute, they're explaining why your music taste is “tragically wrong”, if you talk to them in public you’re embarrassing, in-fact you are just absolutely embarrassing in all forms, oh and your favourite jeans? well, they make you look "actually ridiculous.". It's a humbling journey, to say the least.
I've come to think of teenage years as a 'training ground’, a sacred space between childhood and adulthood; where both teens and parents learn, grow, crack, break open, breakthrough and at times completely an utterly loose all wherewithal to life altogether. As in my daughter and I’s case, we both seemingly perpetuated a tumbling, tantruming, rock bottom grappling frenzy of control, mixed with the urgent desire for freedom along with utter shock and sadness. Preceding great heights of love and celebration only moments later. If we’re consciously aware and have worked through our own healing from childhood and adolescence, know our boundaries and have our values in check, we can survive those seasons without too many ruptures. Ruptures, that can be repaired through conscious parenting, with compassion and respect for self and each other.
But, in the business of todays world, simply getting an agreement on the most basic thing like emptying the dishwasher or taking out the rubbish can cause chaos, and on the odd occasion when it goes seamlessly, we can feel so grateful and elated by the breadcrumbs of agreeability. These victories punctuated my days between consuming thoughts of hopelessness and running away to Italy. Ahh the avalanche of guilt! I found that looking at my own experiences from childhood and adolescence, courageously seeing each so-called-wound with compassion and awareness, I found that they were created from simple parenting moments that my mother had neither the capacity or time to execute any different. Seeing those moments from the position of mother saw me put down many of those “I cant believe she…..” moments to, “of course thats all she had in that moment and I absolutely understand why”. By looking at these moments through a lens of healing and forgiveness we gain the keys to a wisdom that surpasses any parenting manual; the ability to guide our children authentically and consciously with an honesty and humility that comes from a place of deep understanding rather than wounding.
I have often wondered how anyone has ever survived this particular developmental phase before. Ancient cave paintings never depicted the teenage eye-roll, yet surely it existed. Medieval tapestries failed to capture the slamming of chamber doors. Now I understand the true cause of parents' grey hair and wrinkles, it’s not the wrinkle of time but the wrinkle in our souls as we navigate this beautiful, and yet often terrible transformation alongside our children. This isn't only their metamorphosis; it's ours too. We're all butterflies-in-waiting, currently resembling something closer to frazzled caterpillars clinging desperately to the leaves of our composure so we dont break down.
I came to realise, everything is designed to break down and yet it is in the repair that matters. So, what do I mean by breaking down? Breaking down habits, cycles and behaviours that no longer serve the life we want, clearing the debris of outgrown parenting styles, past hurts and our own guilt, shame or trauma. Cultivating clarity and nourishing our inner soil for new growth, wisdom and possibility. In my teachings I often refer to the caterpillar who consumes, cocoons, breaks down (into a lava like pulp - sound familiar!) and inevitably reforms as a magnificent butterfly to only live out its magnificence for a very short time may I add ( I know - sorry). You see the life of a caterpillar, chrysalis, butterfly is an entire lifetime of one species, each stage containing the same being in differing forms of matter, each stage having not too dissimilar lengths.
I came to think of the revelations and tumblings of parenthood to be the same, a continuing metamorphosis whereby each stage has its own equal measure; the happy, all is well, growth and consumption, the lessons of breaking down every inherent pattern or cycle that causes pain or suffering, the parts where change is deeply required. The darkness, the stillness, the waiting for change, the impatience, the unknown, the loss of faith, the grief and sorrow and the silent moments of peace and surrender. And of course the inevitable awakening, emerging gently back into the light once again, newly formed, never quite the same and yet more yourself than you have ever been.
Parents and children are in a constant cycle of consumption (consciously and unconsciously), cocooning (incubate and integrate said consumption) and breaking down (let go of energy, emotions, friendships, environments), and breakthroughs, the ah-ha moments of life where every painstaking experience becomes worth it! This is an inevitable process in order for us both to fly; one into the abyss of independent freedom as a young adult and the other into a different kind of freedom. The emptying nest. If we try to fix, manage, control, hold on too tight, or helicopter our teens through every fleeting change with control, or pander to their every whim for fear of losing them, we only create a chasm so wide that could take years, decades even, to repair. The alternative? If we aim to mindfully, lovingly, consciously and care-fully guide them and ourselves through this transition, we may just find a whole new relationship waiting to birth, one of strength, trust and immeasurable respect.
From those first moments of holding our babies, our parental instinct was clear - protect, nurture, guide. We fed them, held them close, listened to their cries until we could distinguish hunger from tiredness, curiosity to cuddles. We watched with wonder as they discovered the world by touching, seeking, absorbing everything with those bright, curious eyes. As toddlers, they conquered the playground with fearless enthusiasm, and we stood nearby, their island of safety when they needed to return. Those early years were physically demanding but straightforward in purpose I thought, keep them safe, teach them basics, love them unconditionally. Oooooh the parallels of teenagers and the application of such natural parenting.
School years bring new challenges as our children encounter other voices of influence and their own individual challenges. Not every teacher, nor friend, understands their unique spark. Some of our children move through traditional education smoothly; others, like mine, need different paths, with scaffolding for learning, part-time school hours, alternative programs, specialised support and eventually homeschooling. Throughout all of it our job remains, to advocate, to listen, to guide, to provide.
Understanding the Training Ground
As a teen approaches what I've come to understand as the adult-in-training intensive years (14-21), where everything they have learned up to this point - communication skills, boundaries, insights, intuition - becomes an internal chamber locked away, private and “non of your business”. Invisible signs of “No entry” “Closed for the foreseeable future” “No trespassing”, excrete the atmosphere and what was once a collaborative connection has been replaced by an alien. An alien who has brought their other worldly dress sense, music and lack of communication skills into your home, your sanctuary, your picture perfect life (or at least that what it seems like now). All the issues of last Tuesday suddenly feel not so important. We find ourselves reminiscing the good old days. Meanwhile, parents undergo a thorough existential audit, of “how did we get here already?” ”I thought I was prepared” “where did the time go” and “why cant they just be that small annoying, whinging crying little person again!?”. Constantly squinting at this ever-changing person in front of us wondering, “Who IS this creature that was my sweet child just last Tuesday?” and “Where have all my parenting skills gone?”. One minute we're confidently managing bedtimes and vegetable consumption, the next we're standing bewildered in the kitchen, having completely forgotten what we were cooking because our teen just informed us they're now a Tik-Tok influencer with 1200 followers. Yes this was me!
We have not the faintest idea what they're thinking, feeling, or wanting, until they're suddenly demanding it or just doing it anyway, like downloading Tik-Tok without permission. There's a compass forming within them, still wildly calibrating but increasingly their own, pointing in directions we never knew existed on the map of life. During this stage, teenagers experience changes at lightning speed. Their ideas, friendships, desires, and perspectives shift rapidly. Monday’s passionate interest in becoming a famous show jumper becomes Tuesday's determination to become a professional influencer, becomes Wednesday's existential crisis about what clothes to wear. As parents, our role evolves, like a spinning door, ready to scoop them up and place them in the right room. We must remain the steady, consistent and a safe haven, the unmoving rock in the storm of their discoveries, even when inside we're a puddle of confusion ourselves.
Our teens often see it this way long before we do. To them, our guidance often feels like restriction when they're hungry for freedom. “But everyone else's parents let them stay on their phones till midnight on a week night”. True freedom isn't the absence of boundaries, it’s the presence of wisdom and discernment within safe spaces. Our job isn't to prevent them from experiencing life but to help them develop the discernment to navigate it well, even when that makes us temporarily the “worst person in the world” in their unfolding story. The world of a teenager today is complex in ways many of us never experienced. Social media creates constant comparison, digital connections blur boundaries, and influences come from everywhere at once. It's a world filled with both opportunity and trickery. Traps and transitions.
One moment that broke my heart happened when my daughter started high school. After just two weeks, the initial excitement vanished. Each morning, I'd find her despondently hiding under her covers, a stark contrast to those first few weeks when she'd bounce out of bed for the new adventure. One morning, I sat on her bed with a hot cup of tea like I always did, but this time there were no chats, no tea together. She stayed under her covers like a rock, a sad, heavy rock. After some gentle prompting, I heard her voice muffling soon from deep within the duvet. A tear stinging my eye I said “What was that honey?” and stifling back tears, she emerged from beneath the covers: "There's no more play! THERE”S NO MORE PLAY! “Everyone just stands around talking or eating or on their phones!”. I can't canter like a horse in the playground anymore, and the play equipment is only for Year 5 and 6, and I'm now in Year 7, I’m not allowed!” I HATE SCHOOL!”.
My heart sank. Her realisation pierced through me as I reflected on my own experience of "NO MORE PLAY" and how most of my adult life I'd been looking for permission to bring it back, often times replacing the desperate desire for creativity with the busy-ness of to-do lists and people pleasing. That transition, from the joyful freedom of play to the constrained social dynamics of adolescence, is a loss, a rights of passage we rarely acknowledge. Our teens often think we don't understand their desire for freedom. But we do, so deeply, as oftentimes during parenting, the patterns shift back to us and we are reminded of the restrictions, limitations, lost opportunities and regrets of our own youth. What they can't yet see is that we're not withholding freedom; we're guiding them toward a much fuller version of it. Freedom that isn't trapped by poor choices or manipulated by external pressures and instant gratifying pleasures. Freedom that comes from knowing themselves, respecting themselves, and making choices aligned with their authentic values. Because we’ve been there, we’ve made the mistakes, we have the tee-shirt! But what are they’re authentic values? And do they even really know at this age?
Parenting a teen isn't easy. We're learning on the job, sometimes getting it spectacularly right, other times, a lot of the time, missing the mark entirely. Our teens are teaching us as much as we're teaching them, showing us parts of life and ourselves we never knew existed, forgot existed and wished we couldn’t remember. It's humbling, humiliating, frustrating, and beautiful all at once. When our teens disagree with our decisions, and they will, it creates necessary, yet often times uncomfortable tension. These moments of pushback are actually vital for their development, and ours. They're learning to think critically, to advocate for themselves, to distinguish between what they want in the moment and what serves them in the long run. Often times going for the acquisition of right now. Simultaneously, we're navigating our own gradual descent from the summit of parenthood where we once reigned with unquestioned authority, to the gentler slopes of becoming guides rather than commanders. This bittersweet letting go isn't just about them separating; it's about us separating too. We're learning to loosen our white-knuckled grip on control, to trust the foundations we've built, the seeds we’ve planted, buried under the soil of society and culture and to recognise that our success as parents paradoxically depends on becoming steadily less needed in the ways we once were. Instead the true inheritance we helped plant in them is not our protection, nor our guidance, but the courage and tools to live without it. The tension we feel in these moments of conflict isn't just resistance, it’s the necessary friction that reshapes both them and us into who we're becoming next.
The teenage years are part of a much larger journey. Over the seven years, from age 14 to 21, our teens will expand and grow physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in ways we may never know or hear about. They'll meet people who are drawn to their energy, their authenticity, their unique light, but not everyone they encounter will be right for them. They'll experience profound joy and deep lasting connections alongside the inevitable heartbreak, confusion and feelings of hopelessness and aloneness. And through it all they are breaking off the confinements as they emerge from their own cocoon of chaos. Standing outside of it a completely different and yet more themselves than they have ever been. Independent. Strong. Resilient. Wise. A new stand out member of the great collective we call society.
My hope is that they have instilled the wisdom we have imparted, and that we have been wise enough. That we haven’t frightened them off or lost their trust through our own displayed frustrations, not knowing what to do with or for them in those many moments of desperation and despair. My hope is that within the chaos of separation they develop discernment to maintain healthy boundaries, to recognise their values and worth and to understand the true meaning of love. To know how to respect and protect themselves and to keep sacred what truly matters to them most. My hope in this navigation of childhood to adulthood is that we model, teach and guide our teens to pause and check in: "Is this right for me?” “Do I feel safe?” “Does this align with who I truly am?". These internal questions and conversations are far more valuable than any external validation they might obsessively seek. Even as their dependency naturally decreases, my hope is that our teens develop not just confident independence but the ability to look beyond the immediate demands of this world, the demands that want to steal their time and attention. That through this training ground they have learned skills to endure, cultivate and create with an inner courage that carries them through lifes trials and tribulations, for they will come. And that they gain the attitude, skills and knowledge to envision and embark upon much wider horizons than the illusion of immediate gratification hidden amongst the trappings of a culture set up to steal their time and attention.
And my deepest prayer is that an unbreakable trust deepens between us and within us individually and together. That the love strengthens as they expand outwards and inwards, that their desire to bounce back into our safe haven comes as a conscious choice for connection rather than a desperate need for rescuing or protection.
Gentle Reflection Points for Readers
Take a moment here, if you wish, to pause and breathe. Ask yourself:
What stage of the “caterpillar–butterfly” process are you and your teen in right now? Consumption, cocooning, breaking down, or breaking through?
What small victories or moments of connection can you celebrate this week, even amid the chaos?
What old habits or narratives of your own parenting might be ready for release or repair?
Remember: these years are not just your child’s metamorphosis; they’re yours too. Each eye‑roll, slam of the door, by you or them, is an invitation, to soften, to recalibrate, to let something new be born.
If you found this helpful or you need assistance with preparing for or transitioning through adolescence with your family, check out my course Repairenting YOU,part of The Repairenting Project's exploration of how we carry and release physical, emotional and mental patterns. My offerings are designed to help you let go of old limiting narratives and beliefs allowing you to create a new inner language built on authenticity, safety and connection. Join me for deeper work in this space through my workshops and individual sessions. Contact me here for more information.
with gratitude
Jen Pen
Reach out to me personally if there is a story or insight that resonates with you or you’d like to share something from your own metamorphosis, I’d love to hear from you. hello@jen-pen.com